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I am sitting here debating whether or not I should schedule this post for tomorrow morning. This is admittedly one of the (if not THE) most honest post I’ve ever written and the words printed here leave me feeling vulnerable. I have a feeling some of this may step on some people’s toes but I think it is time for me to be completely honest and stop being afraid of what others think. So here it goes.
If you asked me in passing how I was doing I would use one of the variety of acceptable optimistic replies; fine, good, great, etc. But if you were to stop and ask me how I was really doing and if I could see it in your face that you really wanted to know . . .
I would tell you that I am feeling stressed over finances these days. While we are slowly building up the money we need for our adoption at this rate we aren’t going to have the amount that we need by the time we need to pay it. I would say I am getting subbing days but not as many as I had hoped and with every passing week the chance of me having the hours in to take parental leave next year looks bleaker and bleaker. And while I know that God will provide it is still hard not to be stressed about it.
I would tell you that I am feeling hurt. I recently read a post by a fellow adoptive mother who said the adoption journey is a lonely one. I would agree. While we have had some great support most of it has been by some random people -people we hardly knew before we began this journey, people that we have really begun to appreciate. But I would tell you about the hurt that we felt when we had to cancel a fundraising banquet that had been planned because we didn’t have any interest. I would say that I hate to admit how much we felt hurt by many of the people around us.
If you really wanted to know I would mention that I am feeling outraged at the ignorance and apathy of many of the Christians in my community. There are so many problems, the number of orphans that need homes, the countless children that need better foster homes, the children that are being kidnapped and trained as child soldiers, the red-light district in Amsterdam and the fact there is a debate going on to have one in Saskatoon, the increasing numbers of abortions each year . . . I would tell you that it seems like so many Christians are totally apathetic to these issues, or at least don’t care enough to do something about it.
I would tell you that I am really struggling with having so many superficial friendships and conversations. I would say I have a hard time talking about things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things when there are so many bigger problems going on.
I would probably mention my love for Africa and how I dream of going back one day for a longer amount of time and if God does call us there I hope Jared feels the same way.
If you really wanted to know I would tell you how tired I am of feeling tired all the time.
I might mention my disappointment in some people who would never claim to be rich and yet are building brand new houses that are bigger than they could ever need. People that are supposed to be strong Christian leaders that are teaching that possessions are what matter in this world, if not by their words at least by their actions.
I would admit my disgust with myself because I find it so easy to judge how others spend their money and yet the next thing I think of is my ever increasing mental wishlist. I would say that I am so sick of a society that has taught us to want more, more, more and that I long for a simpler life but don’t know how to have one.
I would tell you of my desire to be a part of a group of believers that are really passionate about making a difference in this world and are able to turn that passion into action.
That’s what I would tell you. If you really wanted to know.